Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, Teletubbies, Barney, Ricky Martin, the Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync, Rice Lake Wisconsin, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, or PBS. So there.
The Dreaded (and dreadful) Dark Kingdom/Teletubbies Crossover!
By Moon Momma (With apologies to dalles, who begged me not to do it. Heh heh heh)
* * * * * * * *
Queen Beryl stared down at her four Generals from her throne atop the high dais. Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Malachite all stared back up at her, looking nervous. This was the first time she had called all four of them together since she locked Jadeite in the crystal and Zoisite's youma killed Nephrite. She had let Jadeite out of the crystal and brought back Nephrite from the dead because, after all, good help was hard to find these days. It had proven more difficult than she had thought it would be to replace her evil Generals. She couldn't compete with the kinds of salaries that the most qualified candidates were already earning as lobbyists and television network executives.
Beryl continued waving her fingers over her crystal ball for a few more minutes. Let them sweat a little longer. Besides, she currently had her crystal ball set to the 24-hour Ricky Martin music video channel, and right now Ricky had his shirt off. The scene changed, and Beryl cleared her throat. "Gentlemen."
"Yes, Queen Beryl?" they all asked at once, and bowed, fists over their hearts. Jadeite's bow was not quite as deep as the other three. He was still kind of stiff from being frozen in that ridiculous position for weeks and weeks.
"We need to collect more energy." Jadeite and Nephrite rolled their eyes at each other, but Beryl decided to ignore them. She would just dock their paychecks later. Either that, or make them lick the Dark Kingdom commissary floor clean after supper. "I have discovered that very young humans, between the ages of one and five Earth-years old, have far more energy than they know what to do with. A rich source, which has previously gone untapped." She glared at Jadeite and Nephrite, silently reminding them that they had been too stupid to think of this themselves. "A great deal of this energy is directed towards a certain form of entertainment. I want you to go to the place where this entertainment is generated, and use that as a collection point for all that energy."
"Where is this place, my Queen?" Malachite asked.
"I do not know exactly. But this device, I have discovered, can send you directly there." She held out a rounded black plastic rectangle that was covered with buttons in a variety of colors and shapes, and pressed a certain combination of buttons. A red beam shot out from the device and wrapped itself around the four Generals. Instantly, they were gone.
"I know they'll screw it up," Beryl muttered to herself. "They always do. With any luck, maybe they'll be stuck there." She turned her attention back to Ricky Martin, who had his shirt off again. Beryl licked her lips. "Ooh, shake it, Ricky."
* * * * * * * *
The Four materialized on a grassy hillside beneath a blue sky dotted with puffy little white clouds. The sun, which was actually the disembodied head of a very large baby, giggled and drooled. In the lush grass, brown bunnies hopped about, grazing, while little talking flowers chatted happily amongst themselves until the bunnies ate them.
"Aack, glurgh, glurgh," choked Jadeite. He dropped to the ground, dead of instant and massive glucose poisoning.
Nephrite, Zoisite, and Malachite stared at their suddenly-deceased comrade. Nephrite prodded Jadeite's body with one booted foot. "Lucky devil," he finally said.
"Look." Zoisite's attention had been caught by something down in the valley. He pointed, and the other two surviving Generals looked where he was pointing.
In the valley was another hill, but it was too perfectly rounded to be a natural formation. The grass covering the hill was obviously plastic, like that used in Earth's finer mini-golf establishments. Besides, it had a door and several windows sticking out from its curved sides, all with futuristic steel-and-glass flower-like designs on them. The two halves of the door slid open and a creature emerged. It was short and fat, with red skin, a silvery rectangle set into its belly, huge ears, and a red circle-shaped antenna on top of its head. It bounced around, giggling and shaking its enormous red bottom. "Po happy! Po happy! Po do happy dance!"
"This is that great source of energy?" Malachite asked rhetorically.
Zoisite was speechless, for once.
"This is stupid," Nephrite said. "I'm going to go find Molly. Rocky Horror Picture Show' has to be showing somewhere in the world right now."
Malachite looked at him. "It's Tuesday morning, Nephrite. Rocky Horror only shows on Fridays and Saturdays at midnight."
"Oh," Nephrite said. "I know, we can rent it, and go back to my place." His eyes narrowed, and he grinned. "Yeah." He walked away, singing "T- t - t - t - t - t - touch me" under his breath as he disappeared.
The two remaining Generals watched as another creature emerged from the dome. This one was slightly taller, yellow, and had an antenna that curled around, sideways-corkscrew-fashion. The red creature greeted it. "Eh-oh, Laa-Laa! Eh-oh, Laa-Laa!" The two of them grabbed each other. "Biiig huuug!"
They were soon joined by a third of their kind, slightly taller, neon-lime in color, with a straight antenna that stuck up from its head in a defiantly phallic way. "That must be the boy one," Zoisite whispered.
"Eh-oh, Laa-Laa! Eh-oh, Po!" the green creature greeted the others. They returned the greeting, "Eh-oh, Dipsy!" "Biiig huuug!" all three of them cried out together.
Malachite proceeded to take the names of most of Earth's major deities in vain.
"Beryl must be insane," Zoisite said.
"Of course she's insane," Malachite said. "She's an Evil Overlord. By definition, she's insane. But even for her, this is crazy."
Zoisite didn't hear him. His attention had been captivated by the fourth creature as it emerged from the spaceship-hill. It was tall and beautifully purple; its antenna, an upside-down triangle, stood up proudly from its head. And the purse... Zoisite had never seen such an item of wonder. It was huge, bright red, made of shiny patent leather. "Ohh," Zoisite said as he started walking down the hill. Zoisite had never believed in love at first sight, until now. How could he have known that this ridiculous assignment would end in him finding his true soul mate?
"Zoisite, be careful. They may be dangerous!" Malachite called after him.
Zoisite ignored the warning. That glorious purple creature, with the triangle on its head and the bright red purse, would never harm him. Somehow, he just knew it.
Heart pounding, he approached the purple creature, which was dancing around and hugging the others. He tapped its purple, squishy shoulder. It looked at him. "Eh-oh!" it said brightly.
"I'm -- I'm Zoisite. What's your name, and where have you been all my life?"
"Tinky-Winky! Tinky-Winky! Biiig huuug!"
Zoisite gave himself to his new soulmate's embrace.
* * * * * * * *
On the hill, Malachite watched in shock, tears rolling down his face, as Zoisite hugged that fat purple homewrecker. Arm in arm, the two disappeared into the dome. "You can't do this to me, Zoisite!" Malachite screamed, and ran down the hill.
He stood outside the door of the dome, pounding on it and weeping, until it opened and he fell forwards onto his face. He looked up to see Zoisite... changed. The pert Dark Kingdom uniform was gone, replaced by a huge padded pink bodysuit topped with a heart-shaped antenna. "Zoisite," Malachite moaned.
"It's Zoi-Toi now, Malachite. I'm sorry. But Tink and I... It was just meant to be. Please try to understand. If you really love me, set me free, to be what I truly am."
Malachite slowly got to his feet. "Yes, of course, Zoi... Zoi-Toi. I -- I'll never forget you. Be happy." Dragging his feet and weeping bitterly, Malachite climbed the hill again, and teleported alone back to the Dark Kingdom. Behind him, in the lush green grass of Teletubbyland, the Teletubbies danced with their new pink friend, shouting, "Eh-oh, Zoi-Toi! Eh-oh, Zoi-Toi! Biiig huuug!" while the bunnies ate the little talking flowers.
* * * * * * * *
And now... the Sequel! (And you don't even have to wait for it!)
The Dreaded (and even more dreadful) Dark Kingdom/Barney Crossover
by Moon Momma
* * * * * * * *
Jadeite, Nephrite, and Malachite stood, once again, at the base of Queen Beryl's dais. Jadeite, after meeting his unfortunate demise in Teletubbyland, had been revived by Queen Beryl because, as has been pointed out already, good help was hard to find. Beryl was having a hard enough time finding a replacement for Zoisite. Her help-wanted ads on the all-phone-in-show radio stations had turned up a few promising candidates, but they had all been too fond of their own opinions. In the Dark Kingdom, only Beryl was allowed to have opinions.
Each of the Generals shifted imperceptibly from foot to foot, and wondered why Beryl kept licking her lips as she stared into her crystal ball. But after the Teletubby fiasco, none of them dared cross her. So they just stood there, repulsed by the sight of her snake-like tongue passing over her lizard-like lips.
Finally, she spoke. "Well, gentlemen, I'm sure you're wondering why I've summoned you all here. I've found another collection point for young human energy."
"Great," Jadeite muttered. Beryl shot him a look that said, You'll be cleaning the commissary floor tonight, buster.
Beryl continued. "And don't you dare screw up this time. Now go." She pointed the black plastic teleportation device at them, pressed the proper combinations of buttons, and the Generals disappeared in a ribbon of infrared light. Beryl went back to watching the 24-hour Backstreet Boys music video channel on her crystal ball.
* * * * * * * *
The Generals materialized in what looked like the playground of an ordinary primary school. The yard was currently empty of children. The swings, slide, monkey bars, and treehouse sat quietly, waiting. A small stuffed purple dinosaur sat peacefully on one of the swings.
But all was not as normal as it seemed. Jadeite suddenly went, "Ack, urk, glurgh," and dropped dead, again from massive, instantaneous glucose poisoning.
"Twice in one fanfic," Malachite finally said, looking at his fallen comrade. "That's got to be a record."
"Actually, it's two fanfics, just in one file," Nephrite pointed out.
"Whatever." After a moment, Malachite continued. "You aren't going to bug out on me, too, are you?"
"Nah. Molly's been grounded ever since the Rocky Horror incident. I've got nothing better to do."
"Hmm." The two stared down at Jadeite's body another minute, then walked over to a bench beneath a tree. They sat down, to wait and see what else would happen.
"So," Nephrite said after a while, "you gotten over Zoisite yet?"
"Yes, I think so. I was pretty upset for a while, but then one day I asked myself why I was getting all torn up over someone who wanted to be a Teletubby."
"We're actually pretty amicable now. I hear from Zoi every once in a while. He's doing all right. In fact, Dipsy got Laa-Laa into trouble, and Zoi and Tink have agreed to adopt the baby."
"You don't say."
After another short silence, Malachite spoke again. "So we're both at loose ends at the moment."
"It would seem that way, yes."
"I --" Malachite cleared his throat. "I don't know if I've ever told you this, Nephrite, but you've got really great hair. Beautiful hair. And your eyes... endless depths of sapphire..."
"Forget it, Mal."
"Despite what some fanfic writers and doujinshi artists would have people believe," Nephrite said, "I'm strictly a one-woman man." He paused a moment. "Or girl, anyway."
"Oh, well," Malachite sighed. "That's kind of what I thought. No harm in asking, though. No offense, okay, Neph?"
"You, ah, don't think she's too young for you?"
"Nah. Once the age difference is more than a thousand years or so, it really becomes irrelevant, you know?"
"Yes, I see what you mean."
This fascinating chitchat would have gone on all day except the laughing, running children finally came pouring out of the primary school. Strangely, these children mostly looked like they should be in junior high. Out of the sheer joy of the day, they spontaneously broke out into song and dance. It appeared that bad choreography was on the curriculum of this primary school.
"Oh, it's such a fun day!" cried out a boy who was ready to begin shaving any day now. "Where's Barney? We want to share all this fun with Barney!"
Glittering light suddenly swirled around the stuffed dinosaur on the swing. The light cleared to reveal an enormous grinning purple dinosaur, which looked like it shared some of the same bizarre foam-suit DNA as the Teletubbies, sitting on the swing. The chains holding the swing broke and the dinosaur landed on his fat keister on the ground.
"Hoo hoo hoo!" the dinosaur chortled as the children laughed and pointed. "Ooh, that was fun!" He sounded like he was suffering from a terminal case of nasal hemorrhoids.
"Barney!" the children cried, running to the dinosaur and hugging him. "Oh, Barney, we're so glad you're here!"
"Hello everybody! Have I got some fun in my Barney Bag today! We'll be learning about the joys of Ritalin and Prozac! Together!"
Then the monstrosity suddenly spotted Malachite and Nephrite, who were slowly backing away, looks of horror on their faces. "Look! Some new friends have come to play with us! Look at those fancy uniforms. These must be very important grown-ups!"
"In the great name of Metallia..." Malachite gasped.
"He's even more evil than we are! Run!" Nephrite yelled. They ran from the schoolyard and teleported the hell out of that evil, twisted world.
"Oh," Barney said, "they didn't want to play, after all. And I wanted to make friends with them. They both have such... beautiful hair." He stared forlornly after the vanished Generals while the children did another song and dance about why we mustn't feel sad.
* * * * * * * *
Epilogue (or, where everyone ends up)
*Queen Beryl was jailed for stalking the members of ‘N Sync.
*Nephrite and Malachite went into partnership producing a children's show for Public Television. Each week, the show featured a different foam-padded-costume monster. The most popular were the lady-monster with banana-shaped shoulders, who did a show about photography, and the blue lady with seashells on her head and shoulders and a seashell bustier, who did a show on etiquette. The show was wildly successful, though various conservative religious groups pointed it out as an example of what was wrong with Public Television.
*Nephrite and Molly began living in sin, since she was too young to legally get married and her mother refused permission for them to get married because, technically, Molly was still grounded.
*Zoi-Toi and Tinky-Winky were devastated when Dipsy and Laa-Laa decided to keep the baby after all. They decided to look into the very latest advancements in in vitro fertilization, and eventually produced a rainbow-striped baby with a zigzag antenna.
*Jadeite remained dead in the schoolyard until several days after his tragic and untimely passing, when, in the middle of another song-and-dance, one of the children noticed a funny smell.
* * * * * * * *
return to The Library
The Nephrite and Naru Treasury